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What Am I Doing Here?

I joined the social network for A Chronic Voice because I needed to find people who understand what life is like with chronic pain. Today I have written a post using the March link-up prompts, to show my experience of living with a chronic pain disorder. Click here to find other blog posts from fellow chronic pain sufferers, or #spoonies as we call ourselves online.

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Staying

Life is pretty boring right now. My daily routine revolves around the school run and caring for my family, alongside whatever part-time jobs I can fit in. I wanted to book a vacation for me and my children during the Easter school holiday, but now it looks like we are staying put due to restrictions from the coronavirus pandemic. I would usually send them to my Mum’s house for a few days, and I probably will do, unless anything changes during the next few weeks. My Mum has a chronic health condition and low immune system, so if coronavirus comes close to my town, I will have to stay away from Mum until I feel it is safe to see her again. It is all very unsettling, and yet for now our boring life is probably the best thing for all of us.

Doing

Despite my life being boring, I have been doing quite a lot during the past month. I took big steps in our home improvement project (well, my home improvement project – my husband refuses to get involved). It took me around four months to strip away the old anaglypta wallpaper that covered our lounge/dining room, and the floral anaglypta wallpaper in our hallway. I still have to finish stripping the hallway and move up to the landing, but I simply don’t have time for all of it. I did get tradesmen in to plaster over the holes that were left from our rewiring and central heating job eighteen months ago, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment just for having this seemingly small job completed. Now I can seriously consider doing some decorating and putting my personality into our living room. Exciting times!

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Being

I am a busy human being, what with family demands, home improvement projects, a large garden to maintain, a rescue dog to train and settle, and my freelance writing work. I like to be busy, but I also recognise when it is time to settle down and be quiet. My reiki practice is what keeps me sane when the world overwhelms me. It is very hard living with a spouse that has severe mental health challenges but refuses to seek medical help. It is very hard feeling like a single parent because of these mental health challenges. Sometimes all I can do is be a human being, which means screaming and shouting to vent my frustration, or meditating to bring in some reiki self-healing energy and regain control of my frazzled mind and body.

Targeting

So, what is the next item on my target list? This week it is a rather sad one: attending my grandad’s funeral. My family has been through huge challenges for the past year, with my Nan, my Mum and my aunts caring for both my uncle and my grandad as their health declined and they finally succumbed, one to cancer, one to old age. My target here is to hold it together and be strong for my family. There has been all sorts of drama and tension, which is to be expected after such stressful times. We are all targeting a better quality of life going forward, where we can grieve quietly and move on with our own plans and activities.

Weighing

My mind is heavy with lots of deep thoughts. Due to the way my life has been recently, and the fact that I feel underappreciated and taken for-granted, I am weighing up my options for how to improve my mood. Some days it feels like I want to run away and start afresh, but I know that is not the answer. Some days I feel thankful for my place in my safe, little life. Other days I want something bigger and more spectacular, but I don’t know what that is. Ultimately whatever life choices I make will impact on my daughters, and so I will weigh up all possibilities before I reach a considered and sensible solution.

 

 

Catherine is the author of the adult paranormal romance series The Redcliffe Novels and also The Darkness of Love, She has short stories published in YA anthologies, freelance articles on various industry websites, and contributes to her personal blog, and her author blog .

You can find Catherine on Facebook and Twitter

 

 

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