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Addiction

posted in: Healing 0

It’s difficult because the darkness, it clouds my eyes so often.

Many times I can’t see past the pain.

Many times I can’t feel past the hurt

I’m addicted to the pain

The pain of Love.

I chase the hi, the extraordinary hi of Love.

I’ve been chasing it my whole life.

I’ve never felt like I’m enough.

Never.

As a young padawan, I feel I was conditioned to want it, to need it.

by an evil man.

He corrupted my soul

he instilled a need in me, a void

An Emptiness

A pit of despair

A cavern

The darkness, it eats me up, piece by piece

If I don’t learn to strive for balance,

I’m going to be consumed by the fire of my burning need

Again

My Burning Need for Love

My Need to Be Accepted

it’s not fulfilling people.

it’s killing me, if I’m honest.

gosh this is so hard to write

I’m so scared

After my mother killed herself

The schism inside me may as well have been the Grand Mother F***ing Canyon.

Add that to my father’s death eight years Later

I love all hope

I lost it

I love all love

Lost it

Is it really all that weird, though?

To break into a million pieces when the people you are supposed to be able to trust are gone or hurt you so deeply?

I may as well be in space f***ers.

A black hole of need for love.

It’s gross

It, me, I sicken myself.

f***

it is f***ing difficult for me to be this vulnerable

I’m doing it because I feel I, You, We, Us, we all need HOPE

Hope that Love isn’t this painful

Reminders that Hope is One of the Greatest Joys in Life.

That little baby that was born to my ex’s padawan?

That little Baby is MY HOPE

Lort knows, that baby, to me, means the world.

She is the future.

She is the glorious representation of what REAL LOVE IS

LIFE

I’m Corrupt,

I’m Rotten

I wish there were a way to take away my past

To erase the f***ing stupid ass bullshit I’ve done

The DumbAssF***ery

it terrifies me

I do know I’m not that person anymore

But, the Darkness, my evil Mistress, she calls me

too many times

To Numb the Pain, the Emptiness of being Alone.

I’ve grown so weary, so f***ing tired of chasing Virtual Love

I want reality again

I want support from real people, not numbers on a screen.

I need love right now

I’m reaching out, I need hope

I can’t keep trying to lift others up while I’m killing myself slowly with the pain

it’s not fair, it’s not equitable and it’s not right.

to feel as though I’m not supported by people I care about so deeply?

That’s Where The Real Mother F***ing Bullshit Lies

I get that this is my issue and NO ONE HAS TO HELP ME.

But, I am asking for it.

Or, I will be in the coming months

While I write

While I try to recover

From MY ADDICTION TO LOVE

Again, not a requirement. I will still write.

I will still drag my ass through this journey

I need real Love, real Healing, real Hope

Words and numbers, my friends,

They are just that, to me, anymore

Words and numbers

See? I don’t think it’s ignorant, stoopid, or even ridiculous to believe War is No Longer Needed.

The Real Hope, the Real Love?

That Comes from Life

Thank You For Reading.

 

 

I’m a NonBinary “Cat Person” Who Puts Humanity/Animals/EcoSystem First. In the past, I’ve worked with those with Developmental Disabilities and Autism. And, in many different Service Industries.

Though I have no degree, I’ve been writing my whole life as a way to cope with PTSD from the Traumas I suffered as a Young Person.

I’m Fifty One, Divorced Three Times, Lost Both My Parents By the Time I Was 21.

Email – deblynrob@gmail.com

Twitter – @Enigma51423634

YouTube – deblynrob

Patreon – patreon.com/EnigmaInitiative

 

 

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