It’s difficult because the darkness, it clouds my eyes so often.
Many times I can’t see past the pain.
Many times I can’t feel past the hurt
I’m addicted to the pain
The pain of Love.
I chase the hi, the extraordinary hi of Love.
I’ve been chasing it my whole life.
I’ve never felt like I’m enough.
As a young padawan, I feel I was conditioned to want it, to need it.
by an evil man.
He corrupted my soul
he instilled a need in me, a void
A pit of despair
The darkness, it eats me up, piece by piece
If I don’t learn to strive for balance,
I’m going to be consumed by the fire of my burning need
My Burning Need for Love
My Need to Be Accepted
it’s not fulfilling people.
it’s killing me, if I’m honest.
gosh this is so hard to write
I’m so scared
After my mother killed herself
The schism inside me may as well have been the Grand Mother F***ing Canyon.
Add that to my father’s death eight years Later
I love all hope
I lost it
I love all love
Is it really all that weird, though?
To break into a million pieces when the people you are supposed to be able to trust are gone or hurt you so deeply?
I may as well be in space f***ers.
A black hole of need for love.
It, me, I sicken myself.
it is f***ing difficult for me to be this vulnerable
I’m doing it because I feel I, You, We, Us, we all need HOPE
Hope that Love isn’t this painful
Reminders that Hope is One of the Greatest Joys in Life.
That little baby that was born to my ex’s padawan?
That little Baby is MY HOPE
Lort knows, that baby, to me, means the world.
She is the future.
She is the glorious representation of what REAL LOVE IS
I wish there were a way to take away my past
To erase the f***ing stupid ass bullshit I’ve done
it terrifies me
I do know I’m not that person anymore
But, the Darkness, my evil Mistress, she calls me
too many times
To Numb the Pain, the Emptiness of being Alone.
I’ve grown so weary, so f***ing tired of chasing Virtual Love
I want reality again
I want support from real people, not numbers on a screen.
I need love right now
I’m reaching out, I need hope
I can’t keep trying to lift others up while I’m killing myself slowly with the pain
it’s not fair, it’s not equitable and it’s not right.
to feel as though I’m not supported by people I care about so deeply?
That’s Where The Real Mother F***ing Bullshit Lies
I get that this is my issue and NO ONE HAS TO HELP ME.
But, I am asking for it.
Or, I will be in the coming months
While I write
While I try to recover
From MY ADDICTION TO LOVE
Again, not a requirement. I will still write.
I will still drag my ass through this journey
I need real Love, real Healing, real Hope
Words and numbers, my friends,
They are just that, to me, anymore
Words and numbers
See? I don’t think it’s ignorant, stoopid, or even ridiculous to believe War is No Longer Needed.
The Real Hope, the Real Love?
That Comes from Life
Thank You For Reading.
I’m a NonBinary “Cat Person” Who Puts Humanity/Animals/EcoSystem First. In the past, I’ve worked with those with Developmental Disabilities and Autism. And, in many different Service Industries.
Though I have no degree, I’ve been writing my whole life as a way to cope with PTSD from the Traumas I suffered as a Young Person.
I’m Fifty One, Divorced Three Times, Lost Both My Parents By the Time I Was 21.
Email – firstname.lastname@example.org
Twitter – @Enigma51423634
YouTube – deblynrob
Patreon – patreon.com/EnigmaInitiative