Can’t sleep. The phenomenon called pain is very active. And in addition there is some energy in me. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me awake. I slept for three hours. I am very awake and clear. I come to the studio and do this drawing. At first, before I put the colors in, it looks like a confused body of energy being intruded by old habitual dark thoughts. But I feel the urge to put colors in. I start with the diagonal horizon. I know that this is how I want it. Then I know where the next area will be and the next and next.
At one point something, maybe the sleeve of my pajamas, touched some wet color and dragged a line into the white. It looks good to me as it is and I let it be.
Sometimes in sessions with others I go into such places, because they are where there is a break from the rules of good behavior of the picture, that offers a glimpse of freedom. On the one hand I did not intend this to happen. But on the other hand there is nothing that appears in my reality that is not called for by some of my vibrations. So it makes a lot of sense to dive into these spots. But in this case, I just like the way it came out and ignore it.
As soon as I finish the blue areas, and it is done in that late night hour with the clarity and patience that I feel, I see the beauty. Somehow the piece changed from being bleak to hopeful. There is enough space in and between the shapes of confusion and habitual nagging, to let the true light come through. The dreams of beauty and goodness came to play and changed everything.
The diagonal horizon takes the stability away from what seems like the reality of my thoughts. The stability that the blue areas give is independent of that reality. It can fill reality up and then reality becomes different altogether.
Yes, we can do that.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.