Before we left, I did this drawing.
Maybe I did it in the small hours of the night. It is about pain. I still have the pain and it is in its worst power ever. I also have waves of numbing of the feet and the hands. After a night my feet and hands are numb. This recedes during the day and goes worse during the night. It is unexpected. You’d expect it to become better after you rest.
I had quite a number of grim drawings like this one lately and I come to realize that another memory is arising and coming into the light.
I wrote the words for this drawing only after we came back, and I already worked on some other drawings. I work on drawings all the time, even when I am away.
So here is what I see in this:
I see that there is a big cloud in the picture. I see that it is angry. It is not just raining as some clouds do, but it is raining angrily, as a punishment. It rains blood. But it has a little portion of green in it too, and the green feels to me like a promise that after you pay for your sins you can expect a little love.
I look at the ground and for me these are little people, afraid of the only “adult” presence, with the power of an angry god. They are simple and innocent, and they are trying to escape the red side and go to the green. I’m sure you can see this easily.
I remember, as I write this, that when I was a child, a rainy day would make me cry for no reason. There was a reason of course but I did not know it.
Basically the picture is about a belief that I have no power. There is a big god-like powerful being who has the power to punish and to give a little love. It is mostly angry and it rains on me with real rain and with blood. I do not want to be punished, but I believe that I have no power in the matter, so I just try to get away from the red and reach the green. It feels though that I do not even have enough power to do that.
Isn’t this the picture that we all have in our minds in some way, that we have no power, and that we have to follow the rules of some crazily angry being? If we manage to not be caught doing something wrong, we may get a little conditional love, if that powerful being will have a good moment and will bend in our direction so that we can reach the goodness?
For some of us the huge and powerful being is a parent. For others it may be the image of God? Maybe both? Maybe even a spiritual teacher can take on this image, because this is the only way we are used to see those who know, or who tell us what to do. Isn’t this the reason that so many of us have problems with authority?
The solution, of course, is to find all the love, recognition and encouragement that we need within us.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.