Remember the javelin in my foot?
So when you have such a strong pain, what do you decide?
Maybe you decide that you don’t want to feel the wounded foot? It is so strong that you don’t want to feel it. You’d do anything you can to not feel it.
Well, what about becoming numb?
And what about the guilt feeling for something that you did, and the feeling that actually you deserve to be punished and you deserve to feel the pain. You are not good. You need to be punished.
And what about being afraid that if your foot hurts, everybody will know that you did something wrong? A bit crazy thinking, but the subconscious is like that. Don’t look for logic there.
A nice mixture, isn’t it?
And it fits perfectly with becoming numb on the one hand and having pain on the other.
Also, when you really do not want something to happen, what happens? It happens.
In spite of the fact that all of it makes sense, I do not have a strong feeling about what I write.
So I am going to ask intuition: Is this true?
I ask. Once I ask, the answer is there already. Intuition knows and does not need time to find out. All I have to do is draw, following my sense of beauty, not knowing what I draw, just following my inner clues. This can be called living a loving attention.
This is the drawing:
And these are the words.
There are things that we carry
Even when we come to rest
And be quiet
I am lowering my head tiredly
Soon I’ll have a baby
Who will want mommy’s attention
But oh, so much blood is coming downstream
Play my baby
There is blood on my clothes
And in the water.
When I look for myself there I don’t find me. It is not me. I do not feel any connection, except for the idea of a mother and a child.
Especially in the way the mother tells the child to go on playing, in spite of the fact that, or while she is seeing blood in the water and on her clothes.
I realize that the trauma I kept speaking about has left me and is not in me any more. All that I did before, to expose that trauma to the stream of intuition and the theta healing that I did at night helped. This drawing represents something else.
One of the energy healers I spoke with guided me in finding that I was carrying a lot of other people’s stuff. It can happen. We are empathetic people. If we are sensitive enough, we can collect the energies of other people’s emotional baggage.
Before I started this blog I drew my mother and father one day. I did not really draw them, I did a drawing that had two shapes in it, and I knew that they were my father and mother. I became curious about them and decided to go into them. What does it mean? I decided to imagine that I dive into that part of the picture that represents one of them and then into the other. When I am deep inside that form, as I imagine, I draw an intuitive drawing. The question that I have in my mind is: What can be found in this?
When I drew inside of my father there was a lot of ease, self love and love to others. When I drew what I felt in the form that represented my mother I had a drawing of the kind that I saw so many times in my practice: The expression of being abused. There was a lot of darkness and self-cancellation, in the barren landscape of neglect. I dove into this drawing, to go even deeper and this time it was even clearer. There was a feeling of a little girl, totally alone in an environment of horrors, with just a tiny bit of what I could feel as very dim, frightened self love. I realized then that my mother carried from another life the experience of being terribly abused. She did not know that. It did not happen in her last life, the one that we shared. This last life had a lot of trauma too, but not of that kind. In her behavior, the trauma that she carried with her from another life was felt. It made her do a few things that were totally out of character. She was my only anchor at the time of my childhood. I learned her energy very well, and made it my own. Growing up and being sexual, in that energy, were things to be extremely fearful about. So we have come to another energy entity to give my attention to.
And now, this poem, which I could not decipher before, becomes very clear.
The things that we carry are the energy memories of past traumas. We have them even in this relatively calm life that we may have now.
The struggle to live with the emotional reactions to this makes one tired.
The baby should play and not know what his mother feels. He should stay a baby and play forever, so he can never grow to be in the state in which he can make others bleed.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.