The pain, which used to be concentrated in one place, spread to bigger areas and to both feet. I don’t know how to describe it so that you will be able to really have a sense of what it is. It is a big experience. Waves after waves of tremendous energy pass through the feet, and hurt as they pass through the hurting places. The hurt is so strong that all my body stiffens, and sometimes, jerky movements happen to the feet and the rest of the body. I clutch with my hands anything that is near them. There is fear of the pain in my stomach and chest, pressure in my throat. There are very few thoughts in my head. I am an old hand. I become the viewer, the spectator of all of these. I let them happen. I gradually calm my reactions and then, sometimes, the pain is reduced. Sometimes I depart from the body and fill the room or the neighborhood. Sometimes I let my imagination take me anywhere it wants to go and I end up in far away places. The pain calls me back and I become the spectator again. Sometimes I force myself to see myself walking in nature, riding my bicycle, swimming, sitting on a hilltop and looking at mountains and rivers.
There is a tremor throughout all the nervous system. If I fall asleep, I wake up after a short while, half an hour or an hour and my whole body shakes strongly from the pain.
I don’t know if this describes my experience well enough. I hope you get some feeling of it. Don’t dwell on it. This is just the beginning. It is going to get better.
This night I did not fall asleep. The pain was too strong and too disturbing. At 2 AM I came to make a drawing, to see what was going on.
And this is the drawing I made.
I immediately wrote about it with words that came easily, even though I was so tired and longing to sleep.
All the forces of the dark
And all the possibilities of pain
Come to conquer the light
If the light dies
There is no conflict
The story ends
And what is left
Between 4 and 7 I slept three times, for less than an hour every period.
The last sentence that came to me made a big difference in my mood. Or maybe it was a small difference. How can you know?
There are people and guides who advise to acknowledge the pain, to say thank you for its service, as it has pushed me really hard to the life of dedication to being connected with the eternity that I am.
Some guides spoke about how lucky I was to have had something that not just prodded me but really pushed me so hard. Then, after acknowledging, the guides say, move yourself into the condition that you choose. You do this with the imagination, and you make sure that you stay in the feeling of being in such a state, experiencing it as thoroughly as you can. This is the two pronged approach that I actually like.
But I know of another one too, which is more natural. It says: Just see what is going on in the subconscious and let it go. In its place, a better state will arise. This series of drawings and writings presents this second way.
So in the morning, after the usual morning activities, I do a second drawing. There have been many times in which I did the drawings soon after one another. This time I felt that every drawing gave me some fulfillment and I needed some time to let it do its work in my subconscious, before I started the next drawing. When it felt right I did the next one. Here it is. My question was again: What is going on in my subconscious now?
And this is the text that came spontaneously when the drawing was done.
I feel I am running in two directions
I want to know
That I’m okay already
And do not have to run
I am running very fast
And look back as I run
I’d like to calm down
And run nowhere
Everybody is running
I feel I should be running too
But I stopped to ask
What are we escaping?
Maybe I do not have to run?
Maybe I can stay here?
What difference does it make
To an infinite being?
You can see that the mood is totally different. There is movement, hesitation and the dawning of a deeper experience.
I did a few scheduled things and after about an hour I drew again, with the same question.
And wrote again.
The child of wonder
With seeds of all kinds
Is being loved beyond measure
By the guides
Is supported all the time
And all is just
The way it should be.
This ended the process this time. It helped change my mood in a big way. Feeling being loved always makes a big difference. These are my experiences these days. They are available to you too, of course in your own unique ways.
And just to make sure that you know: In the words for the first drawing I mentioned dark forces. Just know: There are no bad forces in the universe, unless you make them in your imagination. You really don’t have to make them. Believe me. Release all your inventions and you’ll find that the universe infinitely loves.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.