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Partnership and Partners, Finding Boundaries and Respect

Teri DluznieskiI was just following another blog post that was about how people receive advice from their partners.. and how well that works out…. what an awesome and interesting topic to delve into.. As a spiritual-medicine person, I think my way of addressing the topic is a little different than most “coaches” … and that’s great! It helps so much when we look at things differently, consider an object from a different vantage point. in fact, during my training, i remember being taught to stand on something very tall/high/distant…and examine my nature meditation.. I was also taught to get down on my hands and knees and look at the same thing right up close… You only have to do that a few times to see how much we can change, by changing the lens…

But back to advice and partnerships…

One of my first teachers kind of instilled.. only if you are asked ( re healing work, but I think it applies here..

Anytime anything is unasked for.. it feels like an intrusive energy. in energetic terms- we are stealing or usurping someone’s power.. like entering a home, or sacred space, without permission. Someone’s energy/ bubble.. is their home.. Even though we can’t see it. And I think, because we can’t see it.. it is harder to consider those boundaries the same way we would a closed or open door, a welcome mat, versus a no trespassing sign.

So in terms of how we take or receive advice from a partner-spouse-other..I think it often depends.. not on the person.. but on the presentation. Too often, in familiar relationships.. partners can over-step(?) in their desire to help and be supportive… and while it isn’t that the advice is not wanted or the person not appreciated.. the informal(?) format.. lines up too many variables to create resistance.

If it were me with a partner.. I might start with.., “hey, I was just thinking about your situation.. ( insert whatever info)… and had some thoughts…would I be out of line if I shared them? ” — or– would you like an outside opinion/ perspective? by always asking first.. it is allowing the recipient to be engaged in the process and not feel like it is a power-over situation..

Sometimes, though.. even seeing things clearly..and this can be hard to do… to allow them to crash.. the partner has to step back and let them crash. My ex-whatever and I had our own business (which living and working, was a little too much “together”) but anyway… after a while I learned just to step back and say nothing, because of the resentment of someone “knowing more” than he did. He would often look at me later and say– you knew that was going to happen..didn’t you? — maybe if I had been wiser back then.. more savvy.. I would have been able to broach the information-sharing ground with more diplomacy….and while I never had or needed the ” I told you so” kind of moments.. he felt them keenly on his side…

As for being on the receiving end… I am pretty open. if someone is considerate, well-thought and collaborates well, even verbally.. I thrive on that energy of ideas bouncing around… so long as it isn’t about someone trying to say.. you/re wrong/ stupid/crazy and I’m brilliant better whatever.. in other words– as long as it is more about the idea, the information… than it is about power and struggle. creativity beats control- every time!

So I suppose the simple rule is to follow the i’m okay, you’re okay guideline:) The question to use as a litmus test might be… am I trying to be right? Or am I trying to put an idea out there as a suggestion, without attachment to it being picked up?

Does anyone else have the experience of treating partners differently, or reacting and responding differently in relationships, be it a partner, or family…?

How do you handle it, and what is your biggest challenge?



I am an Education Specialist, Health Coach and Author. I work with aspects of the teachings I have learned from Andean shamanic and cosmology, to health, nutrition and education.  Everything is energy. Energy must flow. Like water, when it does not flow, it stagnates and is not healthy. These techniques help your life to flow. I have been initiated into many of the ancient lineages and learned ceremonies, rites of passage and healing techniques.  I have worked as a healer and done workshops and taught some of these aspects – passing the teachings on.

Author of:
Dancing in Your Bubble : ancient teaching, modern healing
Natural Support for Alzheimer’s
Getting a Handle on Happy : find and fix causes of stress and depression
The Naturally Smarter Kid : a parent’s guide to helping kids succeed in school and life
Cafe of the Hungry Ghosts : behind the veil of ordinary – a paranormal-ish fiction book





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