The pain has become constant. Day and night the currents of energy going through both my feet seem to tear my flesh as they pass through the nerves. This night there was nothing that I could do to stop the pain. I could meditate. I did. I paid attention to all my experiences. All the physical experiences, the mental, the emotional, the pictures, the sounds. I do not have many thoughts. Hardly any, most of the time. But there are the very faint ones, running somewhere in the background like whispers. These I feel as if they are traffic on the road. And there are images. The images change pretty fast, and when I look at them I forget the pain. When I see the images, I tell myself every now and then: Let’s see what the next image will be. This is a thought that I have decided to have, so I can see how the images start and end and I can detect the space between images, when I wait for the next image to come.
This is how I passed the night. I slept about an hour and a half in the last dark hours.
Sitting at my table, and I feel love as I am writing this, I did this drawing of pain.
I did not make a poem this time. There was no need. I just wrote what all the parts wanted:
What do the blue parts want?
To find more flesh to kill
To spread disease
(This makes me think that the idea of Lyme-Disease may be true.)
What do the red parts want?
To bring the messages out
To live with a purpose
What do the thin lines want?
To call for help
To get in touch with the outside world
To help the big red parts
What does the yellow want?
To carry the truth
To bring light
To point at eternity
What does the space want?
The space is eternity
What is the energy of my pain?
(This question relates to what I wrote in the previous posting, about the necessity for energy of nerve pain to be in my system, in order for me to have nerve pain.)
All this together
The rotten parts of the flow
The pain of wanting to communicate about the problem
The potential (to grow and flourish, to be free of pain)
Then I asked myself:
What need do I perceive?
And the answer was:
The need for a stronger light.
I decided to let intuition do it for me, if this is what intuition will do. When you use intuition you have to be willing to accept whatever it will bring, even if it is against what you think. But in this case intuition did what I thought. You see, when we are in a process that makes us intuitive, our thoughts and intuition are the same.
When we follow our sense of beauty, we tune in to that level.
Here is what intuition drew:
And after the drawing, these words came, and I did not change them.
A much greater light is coming
It is hard for the body to contain
The body is changing its energy
I should let go of everything
That keeps the old body
As it cannot any more be.
At this moment I knew that this new energy in me was ushered in by Trivedi. Trivedi is an Indian saint who is in America now. I took an energy blessing from him, about two months ago. He said that his energy works on the intuitive level and enables a better connection to eternity. I did not feel anything when the energy giving was going on. But now I felt his presence and I knew it was from him. Similar things have happened to me many times in the past. Especially when I had deep experiences in meditation retreats. Many times I felt the presence of my teacher in my experiences, as if he was watching from the side and knew what was going on, even if he was not in the room. Later, in the evening talks he would ask me to tell what had happened to me during the day.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.