I feel so sad for her bad experiences.
Mom, I say, I think you can go free now. I don’t hold anything against you any more. I know what you had gone through. I know you did not know what you were doing. I forgave you already. I love you.
She calls me in the name that she used as endearment, Giora’le. She smiles. She has a shiny smile. I love you, Giora, she says. Nothing remained in her face from the sense of deep refusal that I saw when I had to identify her body for the Jewish death ceremony.
Do you remember how I mended your old, good for nothing T-shirt?
Does she ask me, or am I asking her?
Yes, I remember. We smile at each other. It was a T-shirt that was ready to be thrown away. It had so many holes. I was visiting her in Israel. Maybe that shirt was used as pajamas.
She sewed the holes and said she wanted to repair it. Her sewing was terrible. She never was good in sewing. I don’t know what had gotten into her. This was a most useless thing to do. But I let her do it, because I felt that she was giving love through this. She had to give me love for her own good. She knew that she had caused me trauma in the past and this was a wise thing to do. She knew that I was going back to America and she was getting old.
I feel like crying now. She is smiling again this shiny smile. If you knew the light here you would never cry, she says. She does not really say this, but I know that this is what she wants me to know.
My heart is torn. There was so much that I wanted from her. There was so much fear that I felt about her. There was so much agreement to be limited, that I took from her. It is not here any more. I can extend my hand into the space and touch it, so to speak. It cannot be done really, but I feel so. I feel the light too. When I put both my hands around the hurting foot, a bit away, sending energy from the palms, I can experience that energy as the light of eternity.
I turn my palms toward Mom and send her that energy now.
I do not need words for that.
Enough with them.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.