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Distinguishing and Balancing Love, Need and Energy

Teri DluznieskiAll relationships seek to find the balance point, a workable harmony or sustainability.  As all is energy, and all is in a constant state of flux, so too do relationships shift and change.  At the base of most relationships is the desire to love and be loved; to feel loved, safe and accepted.

Unfortunately, I think in our culture there is an energetic confusion between love, energy and need…and all of us doing this “work” have a good bit of work helping to untangle those threads from each other.  All too often, people confuse or substitute being needed, for being loved. This is both an energetic as well as a physical transaction (word?). At the energetic level, it leaves a person open and susceptible to parasitic energy, energetic predators, energy junkies and “vampires.”  On the physical level.. well, I think we have all seen those scenarios play out….

I remember, years ago, reading the book ’Tally’s Corner” for a sociology class.  VERY eye-opening. is a sociological study of Washington DC post Kennedy-era poverty-eradication failure.  Anyway- one woman makes a comment.. when her boyfriend leaves — this time she knows it’s for good.  He doesn’t love her anymore; he didn’t even hit her. YOWZA! Anger as an expression of Love. To her, he didn’t care enough to get angry and hit her. We all have unconscious and energetic “agreements” about what Love should look/feel like.  Some good.. others.. not so much..

In Tally’s Corner, within that culture and context.. she was probably accurate/ correct.  However.. look at how “love” has been energetically-emotionally defined-constructed, for this woman?  And while this may be a blunt- extreme illustration.. how extreme is it, really? Everyone defines what an emotion or relationship should look like at deeper levels.. The question becomes- how are we defining love/acceptance/relationships.. and– is that optimally healthy and nourishing?

If a relationship is NOT optimally nourishing and healthy- then the question becomes- what to do about it:

In any situation there are many options- that all fall into variations of 3 basic categories

  • Option 1, to fix it- aka do something/ ”lead” option- take initiative to create a change within the situation. What needs fixing, how can we go about it. What are we wiling to do or change, and how can we encourage others to also change to improve situations.
  • Option 2, follow, or in this case..accepting and making peace and there is a definite distinction between consenting to be a victim, versus making peace with it.
  • The third option- get out of the way…leave/release.

Also- as one of my teachers noted.. sometimes the hardest lesson/ thing to do.. is to leave it “broken” and walk away.  Sometimes something can’t BE fixed.. or, it is not our work to fix it.  So with love and compassion, we acknowledge that this is no longer our path to walk, and allow ourselves to diverge onto a separate path.  So many relationship struggles seem to be between people who have begun to do this.. and yet try to drag their partner onto their trajectory.

Some relationships work in divergent paths.. making peace with it- genuine peace.  But other times, what needs to happen is the acknowledgment of transition, and releasing the bonds that no longer “apply.” There are times people come together, for a purpose, a sharing, a karmic re-visitation, a lesson that needed to be experienced, but understanding that the circumstances that brings people together, may have ended.  One person may have changed, or isn’t willing to change/grow/ evolve..

Whatever the path one chooses- it is important that it is a conscious and conscientious choice, rather than a default choice, or a choice made from feeling helpless or dis-empowered.  And even there, a person would be acknowledging that they are choosing to be dis-empowered.. and at least thereby having/ realising a tiny degree of empowerment.  Hopefully this brings some awareness to the dis-balance and unhealed aspects- which the universe can then help to sort out.  Nothing is more powerful than just bringing something to awareness.  From there, hopefully we can begin to define what relationships and emotions should look like, and create the best relationships around us!

How can we support people on their path, find clarity and build awareness about the health of their relationships?  To either improve them, or find their own empowerment in creating change in their lives? Have you made difficult transitions in your relationships?  How did you come to your insights and how did you make transitions into better relationship/s?

Please share your experiences/thoughts in the comments.



I am an Education Specialist, Health Coach and Author. I work with aspects of the teachings I have learned from Andean shamanic and cosmology, to health, nutrition and education.  Everything is energy. Energy must flow. Like water, when it does not flow, it stagnates and is not healthy. These techniques help your life to flow. I have been initiated into many of the ancient lineages and learned ceremonies, rites of passage and healing techniques.  I have worked as a healer and done workshops and taught some of these aspects – passing the teachings on.

Author of:
Dancing in Your Bubble : ancient teaching, modern healing
Natural Support for Alzheimer’s
Getting a Handle on Happy : find and fix causes of stress and depression
The Naturally Smarter Kid : a parent’s guide to helping kids succeed in school and life
Cafe of the Hungry Ghosts : behind the veil of ordinary – a paranormal-ish fiction book





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