Death, Regret and Living Fully
Death and death rites, and how Death and transition can keep us honest, and show us what we really value.
I remember when I was younger, I used to comment that we send flowers when someone dies, as a guilt message. To me, then, it seemed to be saying- I didn’t really value you enough when you were here.. I/we didn’t take those hikes, or go for coffee, or hang out. I never took you to that game/event.. whatever.. I didn’t appreciate you fully while you were HERE… and I am now sending a sympathy card that shows that I regret those lost moments.
I raised dogs when I was younger- Bridget and Keeper were my very best friends, companions and compatriots ( also my cosmic guides, but I didn’t know that then:). Anyway- as much as I missed them when the two of them died ( separately). I didn’t “mourn” per se. I had no real regrets. I don’t think either of them had any regrets or felt that their life was lacking anything. One waited 2 days for me to come home, so I could be with him when he died. The other, I think, waited until I was NOT there- because I don’t think she could have left me, otherwise. I note this, just to illustrate the depth of the connection. Yes, I did miss them, when friends die, there is a life-change. But it was not the sort of gaping black hole of loss and regret.
This is what I think most people experience when others die. And so they send flowers. I suspect it also is re-enforcing the hope that when it is their own turn.. they too, will be remembered and cherished. This is the same reasoning behind why the military has the practice of leaving no man behind. Every soldier wants and needs to know.. that if it is them.. someone will make sure they are brought home, to safety.
I also remember, my own young experience, with a mother who had breast cancer (survivor:). It was never really talked about- no one ever told me what was going on. But I remember growing up with a huge fear, by the time I was about 12(?). any time my mother was late, something was wrong. Something BAD had happened. and if the phone rang- I was immediately afraid that something terrible had happened to her. I imagine this was my own awareness of her situation, and the very real notion that she could die. Living with the very real idea that you can lose someone that vital to your life… affects the way you live and interact. There is an awareness that replaces innocence. Not a bad thing, but a different paradigm.
Added to this, was my own training as a healer. One whole series focuses on death rites. A death rites series. This also really brings an awareness, in a much more intense way. It is very freeing, and empowering- while also putting front and center, some very stark truths. As one teachers story conveys: While in the Andes, she was up in the mountains with one of her teachers, laying on the ground, watching the night sky. The stars are far more brilliant, colourful and close… and the sky is literally covered with them. He turns to her and asks.. Do you think, if one of those stars went out, that you would miss it? She stared at the sky, thoughtfully, before admitting, no. She probably would not miss one star in such a brilliant sky. There were so many to appreciate and enjoy and the space was so populated with other stars. To which he replied: that is what it will be like when you die. Get over it.
Back to Death Rites: in the Death Rites, I spent 6 months, learning how to finish up old business. As if Death came, and said, let’s go. Would I be rushing around grabbing essentials? Leaving a note with instructions or final words? Or was all that done, accounted for and tended? And this applies equally to our own personal lives, as it does to our relationships. Was there anything left unsaid? Undone? All the stars around me/ us will continue to shine. Reality. Will our passing, be a smooth transition, or create holes, left by ” unfinished work?”
And it is not at all selfish, to tend these things for our own reasons. We ALL do things for personal reasons. Even Mother Teresa, did what her work, for what it accomplished for HER, as much as its impact on the people she helped. That is just plain simple reality. Whether we look at it spiritually, or via physics.. there is no way to remove the self from the equation. So ultimately, the point and goal is just to be aware of our role and impact. Know our own motivations. In the Andes, they teach- give from a place of fullness.. there is nothing wrong with tending to one’s own needs. In fact, that is the most potent way to help others.. just by doing your/ our own work. So there is nothing brutal in that honesty. That IS integrity.
I know when I leave… there is a lot of stuff I most assuredly do not want/ need following me. Tying up loose ends is a lot like it is in the physical world. Want to find out what you really need and value in the house? Move 🙂 I remember helipng my mother pack up her house- after 40(?) years living there. OI! A lot of things went into a giant dumpster. Nice things, some perhaps valuable. But not in this context of time and space constraints.
It really makes you consider what you value. It makes me think of the stories one occasionally hears, about someone whose home catches fire, and what they grab in the fleeting moment before dashing out the door. Often it might be something very random, like a toaster oven. But what do those moments say about who and where we are, and what we value?
So yes- the point was very much trying to bring awareness to our present living experience. It isn’t so much meant to say… panic now.. as to ask- am I living fully, and with integrity.
I think we can all use those nudge and reminders as we go along. Perhaps we get so caught up in the day to day of living, that we lose track of Life. 🙂 WE need to value Life, ours, and those around us. It is Fleeting and precious. And what we do with our time Here, ultimately, is our legacy.
Death should not be about “giving up the ghost” so much as…stepping away from the banquet table, from a full and satisfying gourmet meal.
How are you tending your loose ends? Are there things left undone, unfinished? unfulfilled? Will you have regrets, or be ready to go- because you’ve lived a full life and done all the exciting and fun things you intended?
I am an Education Specialist, Health Coach and Author. I work with aspects of the teachings I have learned from Andean shamanic and cosmology, to health, nutrition and education. Everything is energy. Energy must flow. Like water, when it does not flow, it stagnates and is not healthy. These techniques help your life to flow. I have been initiated into many of the ancient lineages and learned ceremonies, rites of passage and healing techniques. I have worked as a healer and done workshops and taught some of these aspects – passing the teachings on.
Author of:
Dancing in Your Bubble : ancient teaching, modern healing
Natural Support for Alzheimer’s
Getting a Handle on Happy : find and fix causes of stress and depression
The Naturally Smarter Kid : a parent’s guide to helping kids succeed in school and life
Cafe of the Hungry Ghosts : behind the veil of ordinary – a paranormal-ish fiction book
http://BeingHerd.com
http://repairalz.com
