“Working on myself” is only a way of talking. I did not work. I watched myself, my inner workings, in the most pleasant way that I know of. It is a pleasant way for me of course. Other people surely have their different most pleasant ways. And for some, my way may be most pleasant too. As I wrote before, this is my main way to keep being aware of my inner life, but I also do other things, like meditating and learning from other people and from non physical guides.
If your way is different, you can learn the deeper principles of this work, see if they feel right to you and apply it to your way, if you feel inspired.
What is my way?
I draw and paint intuitively, and I read my art, to know what is going on in my mind.
There is a part of the inner conversation that is easy to know. What we consciously think, we can know. But we usually are not aware of the conversations between our experiences of our world and our subconscious. The subconscious has a much faster language than our spoken language. It responds to everything that we encounter so fast that there is already a response from the subconscious, before we even start noticing that something happens. And so much happens that we don’t catch. These mostly missed thoughts are important because they indicate what we create and what we experience in our life.
If we want to know what is going on in our minds, and what will determine our experiences, we need to be in a deeper state.
What does it mean?
It means relating to what happens in our minds not from a content point of view, but from an energetic point of view.
I’ll give an example: Let’s say I argue with my friend. He gets angry and insults me. From a content point of view I feel hurt and endangered, and I want to protect myself.
From an energy point of view the feeling of being insulted is a movement and contractions of energy, created in the body by two contrasting energies. One is the energy that is generated from the thought that I am weak and in danger. The other contrasting energy is the energy of my higher self, or the energy that creates me and watches me always. This energy is impossible to describe in words, but in some short way it is described as love. The two energies mix with each other and create disharmony. This is what I experience, if I relate to what happened energetically. This disharmonious mixture is unpleasant. It is the essence of suffering.
Now comes a strange thing. It has to do with this energy that we call the higher self or who we are or any other name. This energy or this consciousness can do things that we people don’t think are possible. So I’ll describe. But please know that it is really impossible for me to describe.
Imagine that you are an infinite consciousness that has no shape or any boundary. You are like a transparent clay too. You can shape yourself into any shape. You can think in many ways. you can experience everything that you shape yourself into. You can make yourself into many beings that all have these same capabilities. And you experience all of them all the time, with all their thoughts and actions and experiences when they encounter their worlds. Well, this is you. Roughly. But this reality is mostly hidden from us. We focus on thoughts, things and feelings, and we miss this underlying part of who we are.
Reading my art enables me to see my patterns of creation and to free myself of unwanted automatic reactions that obscure my freedom.
So this infinite mind is the part that starts experiencing the mixture of energies that does not feel good to us. Some of this mixture is the flow of my infinite consciousness itself, unhindered. The other part of the mixture is itself too, but made to be less free. This is us as people. And it is like a huge body of streaming water that encounters a little disturbance in the flow. The disturbance is smoothed out and it disappears into the general flow.
This is what we can call a healing event. This is also the only possible healing of thoughts, emotions and even bodies. It happens in all kinds of modalities and therapies, when the therapy is “working”, and in most cases the therapists themselves don’t know that this is what happens.
This was a simplified description, done by someone who still does not know much. Take it as a description of a view, given by a mostly blind person. Don’t trust me blindly. Walk your own path with your inner eyes wide open.
I used to be a graphic designer and an illustrator. I became involved with the Chan Meditation Center and studied meditation and Buddhist knowledge with the late Master Sheng-yen from Taiwan. For twelve years I was in a process of deepening my meditation. I had many more experiences and insights and my life changed. After having illustrated more than 40 children’s books and writing two of them, I left this career too and went to New York University to study art therapy.